Explorer International Kids' and Teens' Camps
International Winter and Summer Kids' and Teens' Camps in Slovenia and Austria for 6-17 year olds
TEEN FRIENDHSIPS
and going back to school.
TEEN FRIENDSHIPS - BACK TO SCHOOL BLUES
FRIENDSHIP INFLUENCES
Understanding your teen is never easy, is it? There are some things that will potentially be on their mind when returning to school that will affect their teen friendships and overall positivity:
Who has spent time with who in the holidays?
Who has done what with who over the holidays – how much fun did they have?
Who is still best friends / friends with who?
This is often amplified if:
Someone spent more time with their best or closest friends than they did
They weren’t invited
They were away in the holidays or traveling to see friends was difficult
They saw on social media friends / peers having fun or what looked like more fun than them
✔️ The plus side of social media is that teens have an easier time keeping in contact and making plans.
❌ The flip side is the FOMO (Fear Of Missing Out) and constant checking who has or hasn’t replied to messages and what this might mean?
A DIFFERENT SIDE TO THEIR FRIENDS
Some teens and tweens see a different side to their friends in the holidays and might want to change friends or friendship groups once back at school. Which is a completely natural occurance however questions do come up:
𝑾𝒊𝒍𝒍 𝑰 𝒃𝒆 𝒂𝒄𝒄𝒆𝒑𝒕𝒆𝒅 𝒊𝒏𝒕𝒐 𝒂 𝒏𝒆𝒘 𝒈𝒓𝒐𝒖𝒑?
Others might use a new school or school year as an opportunity to climb the social hierarchy. It’s also a mental obstacle stopping a teen or tween from moving to a perhaps healthier and more welcoming group due to the fear of not being welcomed with open arms.
𝙏𝙝𝙚 𝙗𝙞𝙜 𝙦𝙪𝙚𝙨𝙩𝙞𝙤𝙣
In the quest for trusting, reliable, supportive and accepting friendships our youth have to wrestle with the decision:
𝘋𝘰 𝘐 𝘩𝘢𝘷𝘦 𝘵𝘰 𝘱𝘳𝘦𝘵𝘦𝘯𝘥 𝘵𝘰 𝘣𝘦 𝘴𝘰𝘮𝘦𝘰𝘯𝘦 𝘐’𝘮 𝘯𝘰𝘵 𝘵𝘰 𝘧𝘪𝘵 𝘪𝘯 𝘰𝘳 𝘣𝘦 𝘮𝘺𝘴𝘦𝘭𝘧 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘧𝘪𝘯𝘥 𝘧𝘳𝘪𝘦𝘯𝘥𝘴 𝘸𝘪𝘵𝘩 𝘢 𝘴𝘦𝘯𝘴𝘦 𝘰𝘧 𝘣𝘦𝘭𝘰𝘯𝘨𝘪𝘯𝘨?
When their moral compass and self identify is still forming they might not even be aware they change themselves to fit in
what can parents do to support their children?
friendship values
Having a discussion with your teen may not be easy at times, but it’s essential in building a positive environment for them so you an help them grow.
During these ‘back to school discussions’ it’s an idea to help them reevaluate their friendship values and ask two important questions.
What is important to them in a friend?
What type of friend do you want to be?
Teen friendships work when they are recriprocal in nature. What does this mean for your teen or tween? A two-way relationship where you get as much as you put in. If your friend isn’t giving you the same energy you give, then it maybe isn’t the best friendship to be in?
Help them manage expectations of friendships, encourage friendship flexibility to avoid disappointed and resentment.
There’s still time – encourage them to meet with friends and make some memories before the start of term
teaching your children to fish
“Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime.”
How do we teach our teens and tweens to fish?
There’s a communication technique called ‘scaffolding’ with the central premise being that you provide temporary framework of support until your child can solve the problem themself. It’s generally done through questioning so they think alone.
Looking at communication, this is firstly done through demonstrating through your own relationships and highlighting important characteristics of friendships.
Draw their attention to the important points by reflecting on what you modelled using questions or cues e.g. “What is important to you in a friend?” “What type of friend do you want to be?”
If they’re still struggling with answers, look to support them by thinking out loud yourself e.g. “Can you think to your friendship with XXX. What do you love about that?” “Do you remember how you felt when XXX wasn’t a good friend to you. What should he/she have done differently?”
They still don’t quite get it? Simplify the task by giving smaller goals but ensuring you’re being empathetic and understanding e.g. “It’s not easy, is it? You’re doing really well. Should a friend listen to you? OK. What else? Should a friend ask you how you are? OK. Can you think of anything else that a friend should do?”
Sometimes getting other ‘non-parental figures’ involved helps a lot … if you can get that help. Whether it be from your child’s friends, brother / sister, family member e.g. “I can see and feel how challenging this is, which I understand. Why don’t we leave this for now, and have your brother join in on the conversation later and maybe he can help. What do you think?”
Possibly the most important part of ‘teaching your child to fish’ is the follow-up as it ensures the lessons are learnt, and the connection between you two is made. Be careful with your wording in regard to this though, as teenagers especially are very cautious of seemingly controlling parents. And example could be “How’s it going XXX? That was an awesome talk on Monday about friendships. How’s it going? Are things clearer for you with your friendships? In what way?”
validating feelings
Sometimes though, there isn’t a way to get to a clear answer. Maybe your teen or tween is upset about something or another. Maybe he or she is crying. You know what the experts say?
Validate. Validate. Validate.
Because teens and tweens are not always looking to problem-solve. They’re looking to be validated. But what exactly does it mean to validate, and how do you do it?
Just being physically present shows your child I hear you; I’m not ignoring you. Walking over to them, sitting down, rubbing their back, tilting your head into theirs. No words are necessary.
Summarizing your observations about what your teen or tween is expressing without any sort of judgment whatsoever. For example: “I can see you’re really feeling bad about this” or “It sounds like it really upsets you when I set limits on your phone.” You’re reflecting your child’s feelings back to them.
Try and figure out what’s not being said. Phrase this as a question, though: “You’re saying you’re nervous about your test, but I’m wondering if you’re also really worried about a friend? Or school overall?” Often, there’s more than meets the eye. Your adolescent might say she’s crying because she’s stressed about an exam tomorrow, but there might be something else going on, too.
If your teen is expressing a strong emotion, consider past history. “Last time you had an exam you were super worried, so of course you’d be scared that this is going to happen again…” This normalizes your child’s experience and feelings. And, ironically, it makes them feel better.
Whatever the teen is thinking, feeling, doing, we accept simply because they’re human. So we’d say, “Gosh, of course a breakup is so distressing…Anyone would feel this way.” Crying is such a natural human response; it makes a lot of sense.
Your child can sense whether you’re just mumbling the right words or if you’re really trying hard to understand their emotions on a deep level.
Likewise, if you’re feeling angry and frustrated with your child but you’re trying to validate anyway, it can counteract the effect you’re trying to achieve. If you’re using a harsh tone of voice, don’t say anything. Saying something validating in a mean way is worse than not saying anything at all. This is also true if a you’re is on your phone at the same time as trying to validate. Multitasking sends mixed signals to the child.
